Having re-read many of my previous posts, I have come to recognise a trend in my writing. I describe an area of depression that affects myself and others and I endeavour to shed some light on the impact that this illness has on one's life. I then weave duplicitous strands of optimism and morality into my writing in an attempt to cast a positive light on a situation which appears, for me, in reality, to be entirely without hope.
The truth of the matter is that I am a hypocrite. I tell people to ‘just keep going’ and I remind them that there will be a time when they will feel happy to be alive; I urge them to think of those who love and care for them and to recognise that their survival is a success and yet I spend every day wishing that I had never existed, willing myself to die, feeling completely isolated and as though I will never see light again. It seems laughable that a single person should take heed of my words when I myself am unable to believe what I write. When I put pen to paper, (or in this case finger to keyboard) it is as though my depression pulls back a curtain enough to tantalise me with a sparkle of hope and logic, before filling my entire body and soul with a blackness that blocks, obscures and warps any light that may have once had a chance of finding its way through my sceptical skull.
And if I cannot follow my own advice, if I cannot believe my own sentiments, then how am I ever to instil enough confidence in another person that my words should help their suffering to be lessened even a little? The words I write are not worth reading for they are the words of a liar. I cannot that everything will be OK in the end. I cannot be sure that one day, you will dance with joy simply because you are alive. The best way I can think of providing something on which one can found their hope of a life better than this is by using the words of one much wiser and more intelligent than I, George Eliot:
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”
To be fair, I expect most people suffering with depression feel the same way - we are able to see the value in life...for other people. But when it comes to ourselves it doesn't mean anything. The fact that you are still able to see hope though, even if not for yourself, proves that it is there somewhere and you are capable of it, it's just hidden deep away, behind the layers of illness clouding your mind.
ReplyDeleteYou were once a person not smothered by disorder, you had hopes and dreams and that has not just disappeared. Not to sound cliche, but you're still young; we're still young and there is so much time left to change things - so use it, take as much as you need. School doesn't matter; nothing is worth making you feel like this, because it's no use when you are dead! Forget about anything else in your life that stresses you, makes the suicidal feelings worse because they can be put on hold, you can go back to them later; besides what is the point if they aren't making you happy?
You're right, it's never too late and hold on to the truth that if things are that bad, then you have nothing to lose - if you'd be willing to end everything, then you have nothing else left to lose by changing things, by trying anything else. It doesn't help now, but sometimes hitting rock bottom is the push we need to get rid of everything that is stopping you from being you.
It may seem impossible, but all you can do right now is accept things how they are. Yes, it feels shit. No, it isn't fair. Yes, you may feel awful for a long time, but it doesn't mean you can't make progress. You can't change things overnight. So for now just concentrate on accepting how things are and write about it - writing can really help you figure out your thoughts and feelings if you still have the concentration and energy to do it.
I'm sure you've heard of Katie Piper - she has a book called "Things Get Better" which you might find helpful. I like the fact that she's been there and she's fought through it and doesn't underestimate anyone's struggles, because they are all individual, all different.
I'm sorry that this is such an essay and I hope you have actually made this far! Sending my love and support xxxx
this is written perfectly, stay strong. sometimes all you need to do is follow your own advice.
ReplyDeletexxx
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