Hope.

Day of distraction number 4. Having ended with CAMHS and the outreach team I've been attempting to stay very busy indeed, with some success. It is now the end of the week and, as predicted, I am stronger than I was last Sunday evening. I have my wonderful friends to thank for this, although I can't really remember much of the week at all. They have, this week, been so brilliant and supportive and for that I am eternally grateful. I know that I am loved. Despite this, however, I am completely heartbroken. I have had to say goodbye to two people who are, and will continue to be, incredibly important to me and who have helped keep me alive. My world feels desolately empty without them and although I am currently somewhat inebriated, I still find the thought of never being able to confide in them again agonising. They have been the fuel for my fire for months on end and without them my flames are dwindling. Even as I write this, tears are blurring my vision and my heart feels as though it is being ripped from my chest. But they have given me something far greater than comfort. Though I never thought it possible, they have given me hope. I spent so many hours sat in their presence utterly broken, scarred and wretched, yet not once did they doubt that I could have a life worth living. I can no longer see them, yet their hope lives on in my heart. I often believed their hope to be unfounded and yet, now I can no longer know them, I must hold hope for myself. This hope will tussle with my will to self destruct for years to come. They have planted a seed in my heart and they hope that, in time, the seed will flourish and bloom into a magnificent flower. It is now my greatest desire to make them proud of me. The video below, which I spent today making with my amazing friend, describes a little of how I am attempting to cling to this hope of a better life in these dark and difficult hours. I will never cease to be thankful that I met my two incredible therapists, just as I will never cease to miss them. I will take a part of them into every relationship I build for as long as I live. Hope is the stuff of life and we all thrive on it. I hope this video provides those in terrible pain with some hope; my thoughts are with you. Just as they have held hope for me, I hold it for you. I struggle so furiously to survive and I hope that I do not let these people who mean so much to me down. As I conclude this drunken but completely heartfelt soliloquy, I will leave you with an acronym, that despite being somewhat clichéd, is entirely appropriate:

Hope: Hold On, Pain Ends