Dearest Beth.

A letter to my dear friend Beth, and to all those in need of encouragement in desperate times.

Dearest Beth,
As I write this, I keep in mind that my words will not take your pain away. I cannot do that, although I dearly wish I could. But I hope that I can at least bring you a little comfort in these dark and painful days. Life can be so cruel and it often seems so much easier to just give up and die. You feel that death is the only way out and that nothing can help you, but this is a lie, formulated by a cruel part of your mind. Although now, it seems like you keep falling uncontrollably into the black hole of misery and that you just can't stop, there will come a time when a little sunlight will start to shine on you, you will start to claw your way out of the hole and days will begin to seem slightly brighter and less cumbersome. It is impossible to imagine it on a dark day but it's true. I may say all of this and know that it is true, but I do also know the reality that it feels like your suffering will never come to an end and that there is no hope of a life beyond this horrific pain. But that is a feeling, and feelings are not facts, they cannot be trusted. This doesn't take away from the fact that you have those feelings. They are awful, unbearable and completely agonising. They are your reality, but it helps me to remember that they are only feelings, terrible ones at that but still feelings nonetheless. Of course, there will be days you will fall again but knowing that things are bound to get better is a thought that sustains me, even in my darkest hours.
I love you so much and I wish that you had never had to endure this pain. I wish I could wrap you in my blanket and cuddle you and protect you from all sadness and pain. It seems so unfair that such a brilliant, loving person should suffer as you do. Having said that, pain makes you stronger and wiser. Without it, we would never know what good is, for we must have something to compare the goodness to. And the good times seem all the sweeter having tasted the bitterness of unfathomable misery. You may feel as though you deserve the pain, but you do not. I know that self hatred often comes with the package of depression, and it is hard to feel that you deserve joy and happiness, but you do. You care so deeply for others and never fail to make me smile. You make me want to carry on, just so that I can have a lifetime of happy memories with you. A person with the ability to love and care as deeply as you is left naturally vulnerable to the unbearable pain that you are feeling, which is ironic, as you, of all people, do not deserve to feel this way. It can make you feel so alone, separate from all the people that you love, and this makes surviving even harder. But this is what depression wants. It wants all happiness to desert you. It wants to destroy relationships, isolate you, make you become so introspective that you cannot see the beauty and hope that the world exudes. If you let it, it will take everything that makes life worth living from you. But you can fight it. By staying connected to people, not hiding yourself away and continuing to talk about how you feel, you can battle against the dark cloud looming in your head and keep your sanity and the ones you love. You are able to not lose yourself in the misery, as impossible as it seems, because you are not alone; you have me and so many other people who love you so much. It would shatter my entire world to lose you. I don't say this to try and blackmail you into not killing yourself. I say this because I love you, need you and can see a future for you. A happy future, full of love and laughter, friendships and happiness. As clichéd as it sounds, you will get through this, and you will live the life you deserve. There is so much to look forward to in the rest of your life, even though I know you struggle to see it. Simple things like hugs, and walks on the common. There are so many jokes you have yet to hear, stories you have yet to tell, places you have yet to visit and people you have yet to meet.
I know that none of this makes the pain you are feeling go away, or hurt any less. But your future is full of hope, and hope is the one thing depression cannot take, because other people can hold it for you. I have so much hope for you, even if you cannot hold hope for yourself. But I am here for you, no matter what. I will never give up on you, never stop loving you and never, ever stop hoping that one day, you will be able to say you are truly happy. And until then, I will hold you and comfort you, wipe your tears and share your burdens. I am not perfect. I will fuck up. I've let you down so much before and will probably let you down again, but just know that I am sorry, and that I love you and will never stop caring. I don't have the all the answers but I will sit with you in your darkest moments, comfort you when you feel so desperately alone and frightened, fight against the darkness with you and never let you go.
It is not easy for me to write any of this, because I find it so hard to believe it for myself, but I know that what I am writing is true. I know it must be hard to read and believe this, when even getting through the next hour seems impossible. Just know that I do know what it is to feel void of all happiness and hope. I know what it is like to want to die more than anything and to wish that you had never been born. I understand how utterly desperate you feel, how tortuously alone you feel and how you feel that nothing will ever be good again. I know what it is to feel that every smile is fake, every laugh is forced and every word is full of deceit. I know that life seems pointless, living seems futile and each breath feels as though you are being mocked for still being alive. I understand, I feel that too. I can't take those horrible things away from you. But I can say that I am still alive and so are you, and that proves that we are stronger than every single one of the disgusting, disturbing thoughts in our heads. Those thoughts are not you, they are the depression. You are not depression. We will survive this, beat it and move on from it. It seems like absolute agony now, but it will get better, whether that is in a day, a month, or a year. And then we will be glad we carried on and fought through it, instead of giving up.
I love you, and I'm here for you, no matter what. You will survive this. I believe in you.
With all my love,
Alice.